When we first met her, Wilma was a spunky 3 year-old fully representative of the Papua New Guinean ideal of a toddler. She sassed everything, whether animate or inanimate. She took what she wanted and did what she wanted. She never accepted “no” as the final answer. If “no” became the final answer, she ignored the adults and forged ahead with her plans. Everyone in the village knew where Wilma was located at any time, because not even the jungle could squelch her enthusiasm. I watched her epic meltdowns and displays of domestic dominance in horror, never sure how to react.

Raising children is one of those cultural things I erroneously viewed as universal. I used to believe that there are certain behaviors no one could possibly tolerate, no matter how your life experiences have shaped you. After experiencing Wilma (because she is an experience), I realized that my preconceptions about universal parenting are false and based on my cultural lens. Though we all have vastly different levels of acceptable behavior for children, our culture defines the parameters for those levels. So when I witnessed PNG’s base level of acceptable behavior through the community’s reaction to Wilma, I was taken back.

Not only were her dramatic tantrums and misdeeds accepted, they were encouraged. In PNG many groups believe that up to a certain age children have no ability to see outside of themselves. They are selfish beings concerned only with their own wants and needs without the capability of seeing the needs of those around them. It varies, but this stage of life can last until a child is 5 or 6 years old. All the tantrums and disobedience are annoying, but ultimately encouraged as a primal display of strength. That child, the one who yells the loudest and disobeys the fiercest, will make a wonderful adult if handled right in the intermediate years.

Once a child reaches the age where they are expected to give back to the society that put up with them, a flip is switched. There is very little tolerance for their bad behavior and selfish tendencies. It’s hard to watch interactions between adults and the children going through this shift. It’s harsh and, again, grating to my American senses. Wilma is currently undergoing an assault to her reign of terrible twos-threes-fours-etc. on two fronts: she has a younger sibling and she has reached “that” age range. The baby is now given rights to unfettered selfishness while Wilma is expected to take responsibility for that baby, since she is deemed old enough. Talk about insult and injury. However, each time we visit Wilma and her family in the village, we see her grow and change. She isn’t always happy about giving up her throne to the baby, but she clearly loves this new role of caretaker.

When I started to learn about parenting the PNG way, I pulled the insensitive West-is-best card (yep, I unfortunately still have that tucked away in my brain) and allowed myself to judge it as, well, wrong. But then I looked at Wilma’s older siblings and realized that they are all well-adjusted, responsible, and much more hardworking than I was at their age. There are some major problems with domestic life in PNG, just like there are major problems with domestic life in the US. It’s the state of humanity apart from God as sin permeates every aspect of our lives. I fervently pray that my parenting of Ray will not be the PNG way or the way of the West, but instead guided by Biblical directives. In the meantime, I continue to learn about stretching my cultural self through our interactions with Wilma and her older, more level-headed siblings. It’ll be interesting to watch her grow into her own as I continue to grow into my own.