The bright red numbers on the clock didn’t lie and the deep stillness that accompanies the minutes between night and morning, unsure which they want to be, all told me it was much too early to get up. It was going to be a long day and I should sleep. I rolled over sure I would drift right off when a familiar and unwelcome hand gripped my insides. Anxiety. I was wide awake now with worry bouncing in my head, prayers for peace chasing it, but never getting it all the way out. 4:15 came and went, 4:30, 4:45. I finally drifted back off sometime in the 5 o’clock hour, adrenaline still pumping through my blood.

More than a year ago our families told us they wanted to take us to Disney World while we were home on furlough, both sets of grandparents included. I went many times as a child and I’ve looked forward to the day I could share it with my own children, but when my own children came along I was living a life much different than any I’d ever imagined. Living in Papua New Guinea makes trips to Disney impractical. Living a missionary lifestyle makes it unaffordable. Needless to say, we’ve been looking forward to this week for months.

The time came for us to go just as Ray began to thoroughly enjoy Rey from Star Wars. She doesn’t know much about the stories, but she knows Rey. No one has directly given her a hard time about her name, but it’s been more of a challenge for people than we expected. To share it with a Star Wars character who is plastered everywhere right now has been encouraging for her. Rey’s strong and beautiful face is all over the place, and our Ray feels connected to her through the name. She’s fully embraced it.

We poured over our plans for this week in the months leading up, trying to get as much out of it for everyone as possible. We decided to split up in the mornings so we could all have some alone time with the girls. So while they spent Monday morning with Poppy and Grammy in Animal Kingdom, Brian and I headed to Hollywood Studios with my parents to enjoy some rides and figure out what we could do with the girls there when it was our turn the following morning. We had heard it might be possible to meet Rey, but found out as we moved along that it wasn’t likely. I tried to tell myself it didn’t matter, but I was disappointed for her. Ray was loving each and every encounter with fictional characters come to life, but we knew she would trade all the princesses she had met for an encounter with Rey.

As we continued wandering around we saw a group of children dressed in Star Wars attire learning to sword fight (or saber fight?!?) on a small stage. This was it, a fine substitute!! She couldn’t meet Rey, but she would LOVE learning how to fight like Rey!! We asked around and found out that Jedi Training is actually a hugely popular activity. We would need to arrive well before opening hours to get far enough into the early crowd to make it to sign-up. And there the anxiety began. It continued throughout that day, and into the night. I set the alarm to ensure we would be up and out by 7:45, but I just couldn’t stop worrying we would miss the chance.

When morning did finally come after my bout with anxiety I woke up to silence again. No alarm, just silence. I checked the clock and shot up. The alarm had failed us and we were late, but not lost. It was 7:25 and we wanted to be walking out the door no later than 7:45. This would be no easy feat with a 2 and 4-year-old, but we could do it. Why, though?!?! This morning of ALL mornings, I just wanted to get my kid a wonderful memory. Everything was frantic. Getting dressed and out… panic. Running up to the park entrance with so many other families heading to the Jedi Training sign-up… chaotic. The crowds all around… overwhelming. Ray was dressed from head to pants as Rey, quarterstaff slung over her shoulder, Brian’s Australian bush hat covering her knotted hair, and her worn out pink boots donning her feet. She quietly sat on Brian’s shoulders taking in the bustle with wide eyes. 

We made it, as Brian repeatedly told me we would. The day could do what it wanted now, we were set. With some time to kill we meandered through the Star Wars character meet and greet and chatted with the Disney cast members manning the entrance. They confirmed that Rey is around, but they never know if she’s inside greeting people or not. We went in and took pictures with BB-8 telling Ray that would be the only character she could meet. In classic Ray fashion she was thrilled to just be near him, there was no disappointment. BB-8 loves her (Rey), so she loves him.

During the Disney Jr. show the anxiety started seeping into my gut. The show was going longer than we expected and we had to get to the other side of the park to drop Ray off. As soon as the doors opened Brian took off, again, with our little Jedi. I followed as quickly as possible with Willa in the stroller. Between us and the other side of the park was the Star Wars show, A Galaxy Far Far Away. We would catch this later knowing it was the only way for Ray to see Rey. On a last second whim I turned the stroller to the right around the back side of the stage in order to avoid the crowds. I noticed several characters milling around and decided then and there to try to get Ray to the back side rather than the front. The show would be too scary anyways, and all she wanted was to see Rey. I mentally noted she could do that much better from here.

By the time I arrived at the small Jedi Training stage, Brian came trotting up with a tear-streaked tiny Rey in his arms. She did not want to do the Jedi Training, and no matter how much he told her it was no big deal she felt her own inability and wept. It was all too much. The rushing around that morning had taxed her emotionally and the idea of being separated even just by feet from us wasn’t bearable. My stomach dropped, but I knew enough not to be that Mom. I joined Brian in trying to tell her it was all okay, we were just there to have a good time. Shortly after emotionally rejecting the Jedi Training, Storm Troopers came to arrest her. They do it all the time, especially to girls and boys dressed as their enemy. It surely may have been fun on another day at another time, but right at that moment it was the end. She reached for her quarterstaff, but then melted into tears. It was time for us to go. Her exhaustion was apparent and we all felt a little defeated, her most of all. The next A Galaxy Far Far Away show was close to starting, so we trudged over ready to mark it off the list and go back to the hotel for an early rest. We reached the back side just as Rey was climbing the stairs to go on stage. She saw our girl dressed just like her, gave a quiet smile, and turned away. So that was it. I had hoped for some sort of significant interaction, but it was more than we were told to expect. We got a half wave, and could now go home having done everything humanly possible to make a memory for Ray. But Ray didn’t want to leave until she had seen the show, so we moved to the side where we knew the characters would exit. Ray didn’t love the explosions and fighting, but every time Brian asked if she wanted to go she said no. She wanted to see it through because she knew at the end of it would be Rey and BB-8.

Willa and I held a spot for Ray and Brian right at the stage exit. As soon as the last of the music was being played they rushed over to stand with us and we were ready to wave hard at Rey and Chewbacca who would be the last in the procession. As soon as Rey appeared around the black wall of the stage she locked her eyes on our girl. She exited walking straight to Brian looking up brightly. I scrambled to pull out my phone and snap pictures, assuming she would stand there for the two seconds it took to shake Ray’s hand. Instead, she beckoned for Ray to join her as she walked. The cast members following her told us to just go, that she never does this. Just go and see what happens because they didn’t know what Rey would choose to do. Heart pounding, I left the stroller and diaper bag behind as my shaking hand tried to take a video. Ray marched proudly between Rey and Chewbacca, while we followed totally overwhelmed. Well, Brian and I were overwhelmed. Willa was in my arms waving as if the parade belonged to her!

They took Ray all the way to the end of the Star Wars section, away from the crowds. Back in a corner they let us get pictures and loved on our eldest. Willa watched the whole thing happily from my arms, waving and yelling, “Bye, nice monshter!” when they walked off. We don’t know if this happens all time or not. The cast members who helped us get our bags certainly acted as excited as we were that this bit of Disney magic was happening for us. I cried walking away. Cried because I had heard God’s voice the night before and couldn’t accept it. Cried because I knew He knew that, but He remained faithful just the same.

In the midst of the anxiety, in the midst of my harried do, do, do for Ray, I felt Him telling me to stay calm and remember that the day belonged to Him as all of our days do. That He loves us… He loves Ray… and would take care of us. I ignored His voice and pushed as hard as humanly possible to create something special for Ray, and she hated it. She hated it AND she felt like a failure for not doing it. I made a mess. But in my mess God put together a myriad of tiny moments and decisions that all led to an experience I never could have orchestrated. As we walked breathlessly behind, one of the cast members said, “Dream come true, yeah?!?” It’s a parade in Disney. It’s not the end all, be all. But, yes. It was a dream come true and I knew it wasn’t a gift from Disney. It was God loving us.

As we head back to the field in seven weeks we know we’re facing a hard go. Life in Madang isn’t a paradise, even though we joke about living in paradise. It’s hard. Brian will be leading. Our family will be growing. We’ll be rocked by transition. But at each point when I think it’s on me to make something beautiful out of the ashes, I’ll remember this day in Hollywood Studios.

For the videos, click HERE and HERE. If you listen carefully you’ll hear Mama leaving the bag behind and Willa announcing its return. Willa’s little heart was so worried for Ray at first, being led away by a monster. But as soon as she figured out Chewie was on Ray’s side, she was happy to have him along!