Christmas Eve found us in Delaware excited to go see everyone at church one last time. A mere week later we would be leaving for Papua New Guinea, our heads and hearts anticipating the coming separation.

Part of the excitement was simply Christmas Eve anticipation. There’s the underlying thrill that typically defines Christmas Eve for me, and this year I felt it through Ray and Willa. Seeing them surrounded by cousins, friends, grandparents, great-grandparents helped. I, personally, wasn’t feeling particularly festive. We were exhausted, homesick, and longing to get over the hurdle that is trans-Pacific travel with a huge “settling in” waiting for us on the other end.

I honestly don’t know how to express where our hearts lie. So many have asked us over the past year whether or not we would be ready to go back to the field when the time comes, or didn’t we want to be “home” just a bit longer? What many in the States see as “the field” we see as stability; routine; our physical, earthly home; our work; our car; our dog. Everything is in PNG except family and friends. And God hasn’t replaced those family and friends, but he has provided a support system of “family” and friends there. No longer do we feel comfortable, or do we belong, on the US side of the pond. God will change that one day. Eventually it will be time for us to return permanently and our sense of belonging will shift with that directive, but until then… yes! Yes! We’re ready to go, because going means going home. Not going away from home.

As excited as we were Christmas Eve there was a small cloud of doubt darkening our moods beyond the general exhaustion we were feeling. God provided miraculously last term, but we knew we were returning to a house of higher rent, more expensive food, and, God-willing, a new baby to care for. Our future in PNG would be more expensive moving forward and we were still at $500/month short of what we thought we needed. We asked people to pray that when we boarded our first flight we would be boarding fully funded, but we didn’t believe it was possible at that late Christmas Eve stage. Not possible at all.

I hugged a dear sister during the greeting time, and as we hugged she whispered in my ear that, starting in January, she and her husband would be supporting us for the exact amount we needed to be fully funded. Um….. what? At first I thought she meant much less than she said, and then I thought she surely meant a one-time gift. I kind of cautiously listened and when the full weight of what she was saying hit my heart, I melted. It’s not the money. Or the magnitude of her gift versus smaller gifts. It was God’s strongly phrased, “TRUST in me. Oh, Israelite, how many signs and wonders do you need???”

Apparently I need a lot. That was only our latest how-will-this-get-sorted panic, when we lose sight of who is in control and allow despair to get in. I’ve been having serious trouble with several teeth since December. The dentist in Virginia couldn’t get it worked out before we left and I have cried many tears of despair. The kind of tears spilled from a belief that it will NEVER stop hurting. A dentist at another mission station will see me in early February, but even then I despair. How will he fix it if the previous dentist couldn’t fix it in five visits?! This will be HORRIBLE and I see NO solution. Except continued pain every time I eat for the rest of my life and/or a hugely expensive trip to Australia. Or back to America. I mean, truly, my mind goes wild. I’m on this side of the mystery, the solution not having yet been presented and I simply lack the imagination (read: trust) to see how it could resolve.

Someday I’ll be chewing on an apple again wondering how it felt to be all worked up about teeth. Laughing at my anxiety when there were so many examples prior to this situation indicating all would be well. Remembering the whispered “we’re supporting you” when I absolutely knew we would hit the plane low on monthly commitments. Oh, me of little faith.